wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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