dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
