dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
