I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
