finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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