New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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