After last night, I could never be a politician.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
