I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I still have a little drunk in my system
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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