he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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