Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
