I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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