I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
