i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
