thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Go christen that room with your naked body.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
