Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
