My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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