So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
