dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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