Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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