Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
