i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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