saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
