Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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