Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
