We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
