Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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