I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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