um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize