i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
