Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
