Those balls look pretty dangerous.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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