I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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