I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
