I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
