No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Randomize
