There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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