You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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