She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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