I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
