I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
