I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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