I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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