Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
