Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
