we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
