i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
