My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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