I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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