The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
