Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Boobs are out for the taking
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
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