there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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