My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
