i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
