I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
