I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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