I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
i now understand why vodka
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
