Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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