Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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