I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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