The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
