I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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