Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
