ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
