can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
