My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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