I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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