You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
